Compatible family

• In one of my writings earlier I had written about the importance of communication with our family members
• I found that many of us rarely speak to our spouses as "people ".... we take them for granted
• So we don't speak with the same courtesy with our spouse as we speak to others
• So this brings about a gap in our communication
• We need to realise that our spouse is another person.... and he or she has feelings of their own....
• Like since the wife's job is cooking and taking care of children, the husband cannot do it.... if he does, what will people say? is the refrain
• Actually people are least bothered...
  It is only our own thinking
• I don't want to blame anyone but I feel there has to be more communication about our feelings
• Like if you get tired while working, you must tell that you are tired and need some help.... not demand help but the correct words will come if you don't speak to your spouse as husband but as another person
• Request for some help giving reasons of why you want the help
• When we don't treat the spouse as another person, then we fall into the trap of being called as nagging
• Another point I had written earlier is not to drag other relatives or families with you when you go for vacation
• Vacation time must be only for immediate family of husband, wife and children
• And talk to each other like talking to someone else and not spouse
• Treat children like people
• We often fall into the habit of not discussing issues with children
• We must treat children like separate adults
• They are much more mature nowadays
• They understand everything
• If you start commanding them and telling them you are not old enough to understand, they will behave differently and then later on secretive about their own affairs
• Hence communication with your immediate family is necessary and important
• M and I have known each other since we were kids so maybe it is different but we have automatically got into the habit of discussing everything with our children
• So vacations are planned collectively
• Purchases at home like furniture or clothes are planned collectively
• Opinions are expressed without fear about issues
• Even now, M is in Varanasi, and I do everything for the kids including tiffin, ironing clothes, dishwasher, clothes washing, cooking ....and when I go on tour M does the same
• We also quarrel occassionally.... we are not perfect after all
• M always taunts me about my pot belly.... the belly refuses to leave me in spite of the running
• My children are angry about my occassional burping and my very poor sense of dressing
• There are many negatives but we prefer to concentrate on the few positives
• M and I do gardening together on Sunday mornings growing our own vegetables
• Sometimes we go running together
• She hates my biking so I go less often than what I wish to
• I love drinking beer so I am allowed to bring home some and keep in the fridge
• We always assume that the lady of the house owns the kitchen and that it is her duty to cook, wash utensils and clothes
• Yet we believe we are great because we "allow" her to work and earn!
• Men consider it derogatory to wash utensils or sweep floors
• The most common refrain for not cooking is the excuse that "the last time I cooked or cleaned the utensils, my wife did not even say thank you "!
• Why should we expect any Thanks from the wife for what is clearly a duty done by us in our own house?
• I feel this is because of the peculiar way we treat each other
• A wife behaves in a particular way with her husband -- either she is very submissive and docile or she is very dominating or bossy
• Similarly a husband-- either afraid of the wife or dominating
• There is no way that they treat each other equally
• I want to quote an allegory on this
• In our office, our boss makes a prepare a PowerPoint presentation on a particular topic
• We prepare the presentation and the boss presents it for a meeting as if he himself has done the presentation.... he even puts his own name with no acknowledgement of  me who has done this
• Yet we keep quiet, go through the motions of being happy with a good presentation by the boss
• And our ears become extra sharp trying to hear if our boss tells at least one person that I have prepared the presentation
• And by chance i hear the boss tell a senior manager that I have done the presentation
• I become so happy that my boss at least acknowledged and then I feel such a good boss I have
• Conversely suppose the boss never tells anyone else that we have done the job
• Yet, the next time we are given the same job, we do it, often putting more effort so that at least now the boss might appreciate me
• I want to extrapolate this situation at home
• I prepare a dish for lunch where we have guests
• And when we are having lunch, we boast about what a great job we have done in preparing the dish
• In fact the way we take credit for that one dish that all effort put by the wife in preparing the 7 other dishes is lost
• This is what I meant by saying that we behave differently with our spouse and differently with others
• If we change and behave similarly at home, what a difference it can make!
• The husband prepares one or two dishes and the wife presents it for the guests
• The husband does not reveal that he has done any cooking 
• The guests leave after lunch
• In present scenario, the husband would be very angry and quarrel about it
• Instead imagine the husband keeps quiet
• And later hears his wife speak to his mother in law about what a wonderful dish her husband has cooked!
• How much joy it will bring to the husband!
• In absence of such situations we must work towards creating such a situation
• And this can be done by conversation and not arguing
• Treat home like office
• There are your colleagues at work and there are your colleagues at home (whom we call family)
• If you are working alone in the kitchen and need help talk to your family as you would talk to your colleagues
• "Can you help me with the cleaning of vegetables? I am finding it difficult to manage on my own."
• This will ease things up
• Rather than confronting," I work all day in the kitchen and you are not even bothered" type of language
• Argument leads to tension....
• Avoid arguing
• Explain how and why you need help in the kitchen the same way you would talk to a boss in office if you are given too much work that you can't handle alone
• Give suggestions or options, "if you can help me with cutting the vegetables, I could cook the rice in the meantime...
   Or would you rather cook the rice while I cut the vegetables?"
• This is the type of talk I see M using with the kids and this produces good results than commanding or complaining
• Avoid saying, "you are lying on your back all day in front of the TV and you don't even feel pity on me when I am working all day" type of words
• This only creates a lot of problems.... he will go elsewhere to a friend's house or to the bar!
• For all men, please note that cooking, washing utensils, ironing clothes, washing clothes, sweeping are all life skills
• If we don't know them, we have to learn to do them
• They are life survival skills necessary for everyone to know and do
• There is no shame in doing them
• Just as we expect our wife to go out and work in a office, drove the children to school, do shopping, which were earlier in the domain of men, it is important for us to consider doing all those works that were earlier in the domain of women
• We are not doing any favour by cooking occasionally or cleaning the house or washing clothes...
   This is our house and it is our duty to do everything in our homes